How to get over a rejection? Eat some chocolate.
How to get over a rejection? Eat some chocolate.
As well as being a character comedian, improviser and writer, I am also an actor. When I was young I mostly did “normal” theatre, but as time went on I gravitated more and more towards comedy. Now, as is the case for many of my peers, I tend to juggle all of it, which includes auditioning for things now and again.
Once in a blue moon I hold out hope that I’ll get an acting job I’ve auditioned for. The standard advice for actors used to be “As soon as you leave the audition put the pages of the script in the bin and forget about it.” Nowadays auditions are mostly recorded at home on a phone, so the equivalent advice would be to drag the video you’ve made into the bin on your laptop. (Once 500 hours have passed and it’s finally uploaded to Dropbox of course.)
All this to say that I’m good at forgetting about auditions once I’ve sent off the self-tape, but occasionally, as happened at the start of this year, the promise of a job gets under my skin. This can happen when the job is really “tasty,” as my friend would say. A tasty job (in her eyes and mine) might be one which is challenging or joyful in some way. Perhaps it’s an exciting or rewarding role/story, or the director/cast are people you really want to work with, or it’s well paid and/or could lead to more creative opportunities. When a job is tasty it’s hard to forget about it, particularly when it takes a long time to hear back with a yes or a no, and it ends up being filed in your brain as a maybe. Living in the liminal space of “maybe” is dangerous because it is in the maybe that hope creeps in. When I’m waiting to hear about a tasty opportunity I find it hard not to imagine the life I’d have if I got the job. I start gazing into a future in which this one magical role leads to other opportunities and enables me to live with slightly less hustle. In this mystical future I envisage myself surrounded by a team of people managing my career so that all I have to do is perform and write.
Needless to say I did not get the acting job in question and felt stupid for falling for it. Pissed off for using valuable headspace for hope, when I could have been using that section of my brain for pushing forward with the maaaannnny self generated projects I have.
Amy Poehler once described the entertainment industry as a “bad boyfriend” and recommended that everyone treats it accordingly. Usually I do, I treat The Industry with the offhand approach that a hot and cold lover deserves. This has served me well, but while waiting to hear back about this particular role I fell for The Industry’s charms. A bit of my brain was waiting for the shit boyfriend to text, making up complicated scenarios as to why he hadn’t replied, when in reality it was because he was never that into me and he (the production team) simply forgot to let me know.
Way back in 2018 there was a campaign for casting directors to give actors a yes or no as to whether they’d got the job or not. Can you imagine that? What other industry would have a national campaign begging potential employers to send a brief message to let tell people if they did/didn’t get a job they’d applied for? Ridiculous! But I guess in this world of AI it is soooo arduous and time consuming for someone to send an automated email, oh wait hang on it takes no time at all and would be incredibly easy.
👆🏻 Losing it during a self tape for an advert or something. Treating The Industry as Amy Poehler advised.
I have always made my own work alongside auditioning for traditional roles. I love making my own stuff (it’s not just a means to an end) and have always been driven to do so. I am very realistic. I know that no one is going to pluck me out of obscurity and give me the role of, ummm I dunno, let’s say, a geeky teacher on a Netflix comedy sci-fi show which I’d then be able to use as a springboard for my work and get producers interested in the sitcoms I’m writing, and then be able to go on a beloved game-based TV comedy show so that people would come to my gigs and I wouldn’t have to lie in bed worrying about selling tickets but WOULDN’T IT BE NICE IF THIS DID HAPPEN AND IT’S VERY HARD NOT TO IMAGINE IT.
The solution as always is to be galvanised by rejection, to put that energy into one’s own projects and that’s what I’m trying to do. I once wrote a whole book after being pissed off about something I’d experienced as a performer. The book was funny (I think) but it was speculative fiction and things moved so fast in the real world that the imagined future I wrote about swiftly became out of date. Still, it was a good experiment which I hope has paved the way for another book at some point. Anyway, what I’m saying is there’s no point in prioritising someone (The Industry) who doesn’t give a damn about you. I’m saying this to myself, but if this rings true for you then I hope it’s a helpful reminder. It’s important to prioritise your own work, to keep making, searching, exploring and experimenting. Think like an artist. Be an artist. Even if 80% of the time you’re being your own sales department, marketing assistant, location scout, props manager, costume designer, head of wigs, content manager and accountant. Hold tight to the precious 20% of the rest of the time.
The problem with rejection though is that when you get rejected by a big job, rejections from small jobs sting more than they ordinarily would. I got a mini rejection (from an unpaid 10 minute comedy gig which you have to apply for*) on the same day as the big rejection. Getting a double whammy rejection compounds any worries you may have about yourself as a performer eg: you’re too old, not in with the right crowd, not new talent, didn’t go to one of the well connected schools, weren’t a member of footlights, don’t have an easily graspable identity, don’t make enough videos entitled “elder millennials be like,” not a name, not cool, not from a famous family, too old….too old etc…or even, too old.
*yes really.
After writing this Substack I got another rejection. This time it came mercifully quickly (from a lovely team) which I was grateful for. As I sat in the kitchen reading the rejection email I thought, although experiencing rejection gets easier, it never gets easy. When I was in my 20’s my friend and I worked in a call-centre full of actors. There was an older and wiser actress there who did a lot of TV work who would eat a box of maltesers every time she got a rejection. As a fan of maltesers that stayed with me….After my most recent rejection I said “I’m going to have an hour of feeling sad and then do some work.” so my partner made us these incredible cheese and pea toasted sandwiches and bought me chocolate and we watched terrible reality TV until it didn’t matter anymore.
On the day of hearing the long awaited ‘no’ for the tasty job at the start of this year, I did some gardening. This is a first for me, having moved somewhere where such things are possible, and the hours flew by. I loved it: getting rid of the deadwood, pulling out the weeds, making space for new things to grow. That’s what I’m attempting to do now. I’m tending to existing projects, working on some dreams and planting some new ideas in the hope that they will emerge. When next spring rolls around we’ll see what comes up.
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These Folk: an improvised folk musical.
Thursday 9th July, 7.45pm at Hoopla, London Bridge.
An improvised folk musical made up on the spot with a guitarist and percussionist. A rare chance to see us in action!
If you live in London it would mean the world if you came along, and if you don’t live in London could you do me a favour and tell one person about it who you think would enjoy it? Thank you 💚
isobelly Laughs Stand Up Comedy
Thursday 16th July 6.30pm at 144 New Cavendish Street, London.
I’ll be doing some alternative/character comedy at this night, alongside some really great stand ups including Sam Nicoresti who was the winner of the Edinburgh Comedy Award for Best Show last year, BAFTA-nominated comedian Rajiv Karia, and the great Will Mars. I shall be bringing the weird : )
This was so refreshing and heartbreaking to read all at the same time. Beautifully written as always Sue! I completely empathise with how you feel. It's a funny old world isn't it how some get huge opportunities and the rest of us are sat in limbo, almost burnt out sometimes from trying too hard. I've always admired how much you create for yourself and making projects that truly make you smile. I think that's what it's really all about isn't it, creating for the love of it. Continue being you because you are incredible. And have a brilliant time doing TheseFolk next week, I adore yours and Justin's beautiful show ❤️
I always look forward to getting a notification that you've written a new post OnComedy. I've met a lot of women through Phoenix Film Festival who create their own films instead of waiting for someone to pick them for a juicy role. This was such an interesting article of how you deal with the process, and how hard it is when you hold out hope because someone does not have the courtesy to let you know in a timely manner. I love that you create things that bring you joy, although you also have to do all the roles from creating to ticket sales. The London show sounds like so much fun. I hope all your shows go well!